Same Feeling; Another Person

Here I am, sitting uncomfortably in the entrance of a subway station that is too far familiar to my liking. It's totally agonizing, every corner reminds me of his sweet smile, in every spot I can smell his unique musky scent that will linger in my nose forever and the pits park that he once said as our place. All of them serve as a great reminder that once, he belonged to me, or at least, i once thought he did.

Everything is just like the same, almost familiar feeling, and of course, the butterflies in my stomach that keep on swarming every internal orifice I have. The usual busy station is flooded with people, going to work, some are late for class, some are going grocery to the nearby market. Almost the same. This place just screams nostalgia right into my heart in every second I stay here, and if this just months ago, you will say that I'm going to say the same darn guy. But no. 

This time it's different, and this time, it's something that is fool proof.. No rush, a lot of excitement, but no emotional involvement. I'll be honest with myself, I kind of like him but I got his point. I get his point to the core. No rush. And really I can't agree more, the more you rush something, the more likely it will fuck up.

This is one hard lesson I learned from all the experiences, I'm proud with some of them, I might be at the fault for the failure of others but one thing is clear on me now. True love is hard to find, and it can be in different kind of forms. It doesn't mean that you feel the spark whenever you see that person is that's love already. Again, it may come in various form, and only when it come that you will know it's the right one. 

No Pavement to Chase

The days are playing with me, nights are taunting me, and every good experience trigger a bad one with me. What could have been if I'm with this person having this experience, what would we do in the hotel room that we had? Are we going to walk beside Niagara Falls side by side? Holding hands? Should we take a cliche, couple picture together with Niagara Falls as a perfect background? Should we play in movie lands in the same team and collect a lot of tickets, and claim a very big stuffed toy? We could have been this, we could have been that. There are so many questions in my mind, and all of them come to one single end, I regretted all the decisions I made, involving the two of them. 

And the very reason why I'm writing this blog is to express this sadness within me. Don't get me wrong or anything, I'm in no way depressed or problematic. Yes, I regret every decision I made, but it doesn't mean I will stay with in them forever, I'm not that kind of person. I know what I'm suppose to do, and that is move on. Or maybe I'm just being denial.

The funny thing is, everytime I feel the same way, I keep saying to my self that I'm young and I shouldn't chase this fucking pavement, the dirt path of sorrow and loneliness, and I should continue what lies ahead.

However, I also believe  that in order for me to do that, I would have to embrace the whole truth, that I had missed my chance with them, and that there's no way we can be together for now. What lies ahead, and in the future is not my control anymore. I hate everything I did, I really do. 

I didn't chose him, because he's black and he doesn't conform to my definition of beauty. That is so shallow of me, I love everything about him, how our ideologies sync with each other, that day when he played Lady gaga on his car should have been my sign. That indeed he's the one. But what did I do? I denied him that chance. I ended our relationship because he doesn't stand to what I think is handsome. That he's black and I don't want to be a laughing stock back in my country. And I hate it with the core of my being that I did all that things. Those are just proof that I'm not a good person, that it's better if they find someone else rather than settling with me. Me who is pathetic, and can't find my love because I'm too afraid of what ""the society would say, me who wants everyone to be happy, and so now, I'm being alone because I let the good people get away.

Now both of them had moved on, and I'm still on this state, 80% percent moved on. Still not enough. 

And I fear that one day, I will definitely  confirm that I missed a very perfect piece of stone while keeping myself looking for that gem...

Moving On... Again

So it has been a week since we finally called it off. Yes, we ended things between us permanently. It turned out, friendship is not for us, atleast for now. 

I'd read it somewhere, probably Facebook, ponder about it and I realized that it's true. EX LOVERS THAT ARE FRIENDS WERE EITHER NOT INLOVE WITH EACH OTHER IN THE FIRST PLACE, OR THEY STILL LIKE EACH OTHER. I for once, is a living embodiment of this premise.

I still like him, like a lot. But everything must come to an end, and no matter how painful it is, I have to move on. He had moved on for Pete's sake. He even already had hooked up with someone. If that's not the sign that should warn me, then maybe the fact that he's dating a lot of people already. And I? I am always hurting everytime he tells me about it. But who can I blame really? No one. No one but me, and my stupid decision of ending things with him. Yeah. So stupid right?

And you know what's worse about this part of every relationship? If you take all the blame. Clearly, I'm not the one at fault. I did nothing wrong, I did what most people do? And no one can dare say that I didn't loved him enough to accept him. I'm just 22 years old and believe me, as much as I want to, I can't, because I need to establish my self first, before anything else. 

Other people may also say that I don't need to worry about other things? Well I got to or else, that fucking relationship will be bound for failing, and it's better to fail at the start than failing in the end, when everything is already solidly cemented. 

I will admit, never passed a day that I didn't thought about him, wishing that things could had been different if I chose another answer. However, I guess things happen for a reason, and this must be a sign for me that says "hey, he is not the right one for you, so don't bother". And as much pessimist I want to be, I need to get myself up, put together and be optimistic. He surely wants to leave my life for now, but I'm not closing any doors for him in the future. Friendship? I think that's possible when all is well. When my heart recovers, and all the scars had been mended. 

But for now? I'll heal myself, collect the broken pieces, and compose a new Mark, for my next and hopefully last guy, or whatever. 

So, for now, I'm going to move on, again. 

Rule No. 1 of being Gay

If rules were to be made for being gay, the first and foremost would be, NEVER EVER FALL INLOVE WITH A STRAIGHT GUY. But all gays had been, or still a victim of this. Falling in love with someone who will never look at you more than just friends, or worst, brother, is painfully common and believe me, it's an unwritten rule but no one is strictly observing it.

It happened more than a year now. Yes, it took that long. It took that long before Seb realized that he is in fact, inlove with the guy that he's working with. And if you think that's he's doing perfectly fine about this? Well we are all wrong. First. The guys is freaking straight as a pole and second? He's a total womanizer.

Let me refresh the mind of everybody, or better to say, orient everyone to the dilemma that our good friend Seb is going through.

It was a cool afternoon of winter season when Seb had this rapid increase in his cardiac rhythm, it started perfectly fine, doing his his job at a cafe bar, but it turned out into something he didn't really wished to happen. An old friend came by, and by popularity, Seb instantly knew that his guy was no ordinary man after all. Probably running in his late 20s, with perfectly sculpted ebony body, and curls of black hair, this man quite makes an impression. His eyes are exquisitely sexy, and those goddam perfect teeth that could make a perfect ingredient for a killer smile, are what brings the best out of him. But the best of these? His charming personality. He cracks jokes that even a stoic person will find a perfect spot to smile. His smile, that can even melt the frozen heart of our Seb. 

It was that day that our Seb realized the horrible truth that he, is the man the Seb would want to be his boyfriend. The worst part is? The guy offered his hand for handshake, introducing his name as Brook. What a sexy ass bad name for a black guy eh? But what can we say? It's happens, and it happens quite rarely. 

Now the dilemma is that our good friend is working with him all the time that he can't concentrate on his job very well. Anxious of being with Brooks dominant presence, our submissive friend would sometime forget the drink asked by the clients, shaking in making coffees, often burning his delicate skin with scalding water. But that's nothing compared to the fact that Brook is a womanizer. 

Seb would always endure the pain of seeing him flirting with pretty clients. That sometimes he even asks for the phone numbers of these ladies, but what can our good friend do? Any advise folks? Nothing eh? Well, let's cut this story for a while, for all we know, future can't be predicted, and as for our lovingly masochist friend, he's going to pretend that everything is ok. Or rather, will be okay.