Same Feeling; Another Person

Here I am, sitting uncomfortably in the entrance of a subway station that is too far familiar to my liking. It's totally agonizing, every corner reminds me of his sweet smile, in every spot I can smell his unique musky scent that will linger in my nose forever and the pits park that he once said as our place. All of them serve as a great reminder that once, he belonged to me, or at least, i once thought he did.

Everything is just like the same, almost familiar feeling, and of course, the butterflies in my stomach that keep on swarming every internal orifice I have. The usual busy station is flooded with people, going to work, some are late for class, some are going grocery to the nearby market. Almost the same. This place just screams nostalgia right into my heart in every second I stay here, and if this just months ago, you will say that I'm going to say the same darn guy. But no. 

This time it's different, and this time, it's something that is fool proof.. No rush, a lot of excitement, but no emotional involvement. I'll be honest with myself, I kind of like him but I got his point. I get his point to the core. No rush. And really I can't agree more, the more you rush something, the more likely it will fuck up.

This is one hard lesson I learned from all the experiences, I'm proud with some of them, I might be at the fault for the failure of others but one thing is clear on me now. True love is hard to find, and it can be in different kind of forms. It doesn't mean that you feel the spark whenever you see that person is that's love already. Again, it may come in various form, and only when it come that you will know it's the right one. 

No Pavement to Chase

The days are playing with me, nights are taunting me, and every good experience trigger a bad one with me. What could have been if I'm with this person having this experience, what would we do in the hotel room that we had? Are we going to walk beside Niagara Falls side by side? Holding hands? Should we take a cliche, couple picture together with Niagara Falls as a perfect background? Should we play in movie lands in the same team and collect a lot of tickets, and claim a very big stuffed toy? We could have been this, we could have been that. There are so many questions in my mind, and all of them come to one single end, I regretted all the decisions I made, involving the two of them. 

And the very reason why I'm writing this blog is to express this sadness within me. Don't get me wrong or anything, I'm in no way depressed or problematic. Yes, I regret every decision I made, but it doesn't mean I will stay with in them forever, I'm not that kind of person. I know what I'm suppose to do, and that is move on. Or maybe I'm just being denial.

The funny thing is, everytime I feel the same way, I keep saying to my self that I'm young and I shouldn't chase this fucking pavement, the dirt path of sorrow and loneliness, and I should continue what lies ahead.

However, I also believe  that in order for me to do that, I would have to embrace the whole truth, that I had missed my chance with them, and that there's no way we can be together for now. What lies ahead, and in the future is not my control anymore. I hate everything I did, I really do. 

I didn't chose him, because he's black and he doesn't conform to my definition of beauty. That is so shallow of me, I love everything about him, how our ideologies sync with each other, that day when he played Lady gaga on his car should have been my sign. That indeed he's the one. But what did I do? I denied him that chance. I ended our relationship because he doesn't stand to what I think is handsome. That he's black and I don't want to be a laughing stock back in my country. And I hate it with the core of my being that I did all that things. Those are just proof that I'm not a good person, that it's better if they find someone else rather than settling with me. Me who is pathetic, and can't find my love because I'm too afraid of what ""the society would say, me who wants everyone to be happy, and so now, I'm being alone because I let the good people get away.

Now both of them had moved on, and I'm still on this state, 80% percent moved on. Still not enough. 

And I fear that one day, I will definitely  confirm that I missed a very perfect piece of stone while keeping myself looking for that gem...

Moving On... Again

So it has been a week since we finally called it off. Yes, we ended things between us permanently. It turned out, friendship is not for us, atleast for now. 

I'd read it somewhere, probably Facebook, ponder about it and I realized that it's true. EX LOVERS THAT ARE FRIENDS WERE EITHER NOT INLOVE WITH EACH OTHER IN THE FIRST PLACE, OR THEY STILL LIKE EACH OTHER. I for once, is a living embodiment of this premise.

I still like him, like a lot. But everything must come to an end, and no matter how painful it is, I have to move on. He had moved on for Pete's sake. He even already had hooked up with someone. If that's not the sign that should warn me, then maybe the fact that he's dating a lot of people already. And I? I am always hurting everytime he tells me about it. But who can I blame really? No one. No one but me, and my stupid decision of ending things with him. Yeah. So stupid right?

And you know what's worse about this part of every relationship? If you take all the blame. Clearly, I'm not the one at fault. I did nothing wrong, I did what most people do? And no one can dare say that I didn't loved him enough to accept him. I'm just 22 years old and believe me, as much as I want to, I can't, because I need to establish my self first, before anything else. 

Other people may also say that I don't need to worry about other things? Well I got to or else, that fucking relationship will be bound for failing, and it's better to fail at the start than failing in the end, when everything is already solidly cemented. 

I will admit, never passed a day that I didn't thought about him, wishing that things could had been different if I chose another answer. However, I guess things happen for a reason, and this must be a sign for me that says "hey, he is not the right one for you, so don't bother". And as much pessimist I want to be, I need to get myself up, put together and be optimistic. He surely wants to leave my life for now, but I'm not closing any doors for him in the future. Friendship? I think that's possible when all is well. When my heart recovers, and all the scars had been mended. 

But for now? I'll heal myself, collect the broken pieces, and compose a new Mark, for my next and hopefully last guy, or whatever. 

So, for now, I'm going to move on, again. 

Rule No. 1 of being Gay

If rules were to be made for being gay, the first and foremost would be, NEVER EVER FALL INLOVE WITH A STRAIGHT GUY. But all gays had been, or still a victim of this. Falling in love with someone who will never look at you more than just friends, or worst, brother, is painfully common and believe me, it's an unwritten rule but no one is strictly observing it.

It happened more than a year now. Yes, it took that long. It took that long before Seb realized that he is in fact, inlove with the guy that he's working with. And if you think that's he's doing perfectly fine about this? Well we are all wrong. First. The guys is freaking straight as a pole and second? He's a total womanizer.

Let me refresh the mind of everybody, or better to say, orient everyone to the dilemma that our good friend Seb is going through.

It was a cool afternoon of winter season when Seb had this rapid increase in his cardiac rhythm, it started perfectly fine, doing his his job at a cafe bar, but it turned out into something he didn't really wished to happen. An old friend came by, and by popularity, Seb instantly knew that his guy was no ordinary man after all. Probably running in his late 20s, with perfectly sculpted ebony body, and curls of black hair, this man quite makes an impression. His eyes are exquisitely sexy, and those goddam perfect teeth that could make a perfect ingredient for a killer smile, are what brings the best out of him. But the best of these? His charming personality. He cracks jokes that even a stoic person will find a perfect spot to smile. His smile, that can even melt the frozen heart of our Seb. 

It was that day that our Seb realized the horrible truth that he, is the man the Seb would want to be his boyfriend. The worst part is? The guy offered his hand for handshake, introducing his name as Brook. What a sexy ass bad name for a black guy eh? But what can we say? It's happens, and it happens quite rarely. 

Now the dilemma is that our good friend is working with him all the time that he can't concentrate on his job very well. Anxious of being with Brooks dominant presence, our submissive friend would sometime forget the drink asked by the clients, shaking in making coffees, often burning his delicate skin with scalding water. But that's nothing compared to the fact that Brook is a womanizer. 

Seb would always endure the pain of seeing him flirting with pretty clients. That sometimes he even asks for the phone numbers of these ladies, but what can our good friend do? Any advise folks? Nothing eh? Well, let's cut this story for a while, for all we know, future can't be predicted, and as for our lovingly masochist friend, he's going to pretend that everything is ok. Or rather, will be okay. 

Choosing a College Course

 As i've said, I am  only 15 years old, still a student, and choosing a course wasn't yet in my mind. I'm busy enjoying my life to the fullest, listening to music, fashion and accesories. But i know my limitations, and my boundaries.

Now, what do you think is my reason why i entitled this blog of mine "courses"? Well, my bestfriend had graduated last April 4, 2009. Now, he's facing the new chapter of his life. How to deal with college people are the basic problem a 1st year college student may encounter.But In his matter, he now still confused on what course he should take. I asked him if what course he likes but he refused to answer me. He laid two choices on me. Taking Education major in english or Nursing.

Well, until now, I'm also worried 'bout him 'coz i know that choosing a career is a very tough matter to consider as easy. Why? It is because your future lies on what course you choose in your college.
For me, college matters are very serious topic to be taken for granted. I Know that choosing a career should be think enourmously for it holds you. You should be practical in selecting it.
But the career you should select is the one you love and where your passion lies...

Bye2 for the meantime....
lunch time....

Physical Beauty Redefinition

Since I had moved here in Toronto, the first thing that struck me was the Caucasian race which obviously inhabit this place. Being an Asian in the country of whites means a lot. It would take us like 100-page book if I would elaborate everything. But this blog content will tackle about the title itself. Beauty. Physical beauty specifically as perceived by different people and from different perspective.

I have never been biased in my judgement in other people, further, I am not the kind of person who judge easily. Think about it. I rarely judge people because of what he or she look like but I will make some comments and ever I make few interpretation, I will keep it within me until it is needed. 

Back to the topic, in my country, the definition of beautiful and handsomeness would be so cliche that it is obviously influenced by the foreign movies that we had enjoyed and still enjoying. Tall, fair skin, pointed nose, closed eyes, physically fit bodies with flamboyant abs.

Admit it, most of us Filipinos agree that it is the perfect attribute a person could have. Of course aside from being tall dark and handsome.

Six fast months had passed and still, at some point of my life I can feel the insecurities of being an Asian. Don't get me wrong here. I love being an Asian, especially being a Filipino because I know that this race is special. Maybe not now but someday, this country will rise. I can see it coming. 

Imagine yourself living with the people who in your definition is the perfect kind of person. Isn't it like bizarre? I asked my friend, my co worker and mind you she's a Caucasian. I asked her. Imagine living with people who you want to be, and people who you want to be with, but  given your looks as of the moment. Without a doubt, looking astounded, she answered me that she's gonna kill herself.

And I said, see that? That's what I am feeling right now. I am living with people who are in my definition, handsome and pretty and I can do nothing about it. It's is so darn hard not to get envious.

And why do I feel this way? Maybe insecurities and feeling of discontentment of my own attributes. Which is my opinion not that bad. Why?

Being in this age bracket would mean that I am under the age in which I have to fulfill the developmental task of intimacy versus isolation according to Erickson. Given this emotional and psychological crises, it is not surprising that a person may question his own self before questioning others. To see if he or she is attractive enough in order to fulfill the task is common however, it is unconsciously happening. 

Each day I keep reminding myself that this is freaking pointless. I should be contented with what I have in fact, I believe that I am good looking myself, a descendant of Spanish blood, I am pretty good looking compare to others but still.

And so i made in depth reflection of this feelings and to be honest it is still unresolved given that I am writing this now. I want to express the thoughts that wants to be freed from my mind. Anyways, this led me to question my definition of beauty, how it was influenced  by others. 

Come to think of it. Who said that being tall means superior than average or short stature? Who defined that being fair skin is better than having dark complexion or the other way around. Who ever defined that tall nose means attractive attribute compare to those who are average? The answer? No one other than but US. Human as we are, we gave meaning both operational and standard of each of these. In short, human are the one who defined beauty. They set standards way back the. That today, although, many great philosopher and good mind are trying to correct the wrong notions, it is still a hard fact, that it was already there. As I said, it is easy to paint a new face in the wall, but the fact still remains that the old design is still there.

We have this saying.. Funny it may seem. "Your beauty is not in as of this moment". Perhaps, there is truth behind that. It is only on the mind set of each of us especially me of course that it was  what I wanted. 

I know my limitation here. I don't play being hypocrite and say that I accept everything out of it.  Yes, I know my biases and prejudices so I am brave to dissect my very own feeling regarding if this emotion. I am very confident of who I am. I know what I want but of course there are things that we can do nothing about but to accept their reality and to live with that.

I am living with this.. And I know this is just a phase. One day I'll wake up that in addition to being contented, I am fully capable of handling my very own shortcomings and frustrations in life. However, sometimes it is good that you are able to voice out whatever opinion you have in you. I have respect with all the races in this world despite these things. 

 First, we can't choose what race we belong to begin with, so better accept the things that you can't change. Second, feeling of insecurity is a normal phase in ones' life. That is the reason why we have dreams, aspirations ands goals in life. To overcome this insecurities. And lastly, this life is just a borrowed time. Given that time is the overseer of all things, one day we may notice that we all already about to live this world. Might as well enjoy it as long as we can... 

Quoted to one of my favourite books of all times. Nothing Lasts Forever by Sidney Sheldon.

Ambition

The brain speaks; the hand works. I am a writer, I am proud to say. 

This talent was indulged to me five years ago. I have been writing since first year high school. At first, it was just a hobby, a past time, and a stress reliever. I do make novels, which later on, read by my classmates and friends. They convinced me to take the screening test for new staffs of our publication but I insisted not to join because at first I thought that being a staffer is a laborious task.

In the middle of the year, our school was invited in a joint seminar for journalism. It was an open-participation seminar so I decided to join. In the seminar, we are required to join in different genres and awards were given to those lucky candidates who were able to stand out among hundreds of participants coming from different secondary schools. In addition, I think fate made its way to call me. When the awardees were called, I can barely believe that I am one of those lucky persons who got into the top. I got 2^nd place in the field of Filipino feature writing and a runner-up in news writing English category.

As a consolation, the publication adviser hired me as a feature editor and that has made all the changes in my life.

From then on, I was obliged to write an extemporaneous feature every day. It will be passed to the advisers and they will judge it according to their taste. They check the style, the emotion bonded in each word and its impact. This serves as my practice sessions as a preparation for the up-coming division press conference held at dingle, Iloilo and joined by all the districts of Iloilo. And luckily again, I made it to the top 5, representing the division of Iloilo for the regional press conference.

What calls my interest when writing is the subject which calls for an internal deviation. Say for example, a point of view about the death of Corazon Aquino, the side of turned down Vice Presidential Candidate Roxas and even a novel-type story feature which is my specialty. 

Moreover, I constantly excelled in Filipino-base feature. My sub genre is news writing, preferably English. 

In 4 years of service in Green Woods, the official publication of our school, I could say that my strength is in Filipino articles rather than English. I don’t know why but I can write smoothly when it was in Filipino rather than in English. Because of those achievements, I garnered the Gloria Macapagal Arroyo award in Campus Journalism in the end of the year.

Why I chose, to apply in Lifeline? It is because by joining it, say, I could have the chance to pursue my talent as a writer, to let my feelings be heard and to make others be entertained through my writings. Finally, through this chance, I may say that I was a full-accomplice writer for I was I able not to hinder the power of a fresh mind, seized in pen.

The real of me…..

Tricky question still hunts for answers

I don’t know why

seventeen years of existence

I learnt by and by

A golden heart and a silver mind

That is what I possess

It may sound absurd

But I came to that

Oh wait! There’s another one

I’m kind but not all the time

Patience is a virtue

But there’s a limit line

I’m a great thinker; rational

I weighed a lot, a thousand of times

However it would be tough for me

Doing things which are not meant to be

As a persona, I am playful

I take things for granted yet I know the rule

Use time wisely for it not to be wasted

Enjoy every moment, but don’t be blinded

For me time is like a diamond,

Unique, precious, valuable

Time would remain running constant

Like a line should be

Just go with the flow and accept things whatever it may be

Water runs very still

Water which follows the shape of its container

Just like water, I can follow the flow

Adapting to changes, disregard the ego

Confuse, curious, thinking

I’m in that era right now

Why do I live? How could I survive?

I want to answer these Qs before I bow

Do I already know myself?

Had I talked to my self?

Whatever questions that would be,

I’ll keep myself answering it free

I love nature

People is what I desire

A admire sociable beings

I hate hypocrite ones

People may think I’m rude

My manners, my conducts

Cease these things

I know I’m a good person

I would not make this long

It’s enough, I said a lot

That’s me

Strong, courageous, but sensitive inside

I know myself better than anyone

You’ll know me more from what I said and done

Lastly, I want to leave this verse to each and everyone

Life is full of ups and downs

The trick is,

Enjoys every moments during the ups

And summon all the courage during the down

Humans As We Are

Humans emerged the land with nothing. Their minds, for me, was the so-called “tabula rasa”, unenhanced, undeveloped, unused. Through the evolution of the environment, people tried to adapt to the new system of stressors. They were able to levy strategies, techniques and proficiencies just to cope the constant change in the environment. Through the unstoppable flow of time, people learned how to boat the rivers by converting these stressors into a system of organize information which now we called life. 

Yes, life.  It is the life, which gives the living organisms the parameters from the nonliving ones. However, before we abuse the word life, let me describe to you my perception of the word LIFE.

Life itself is a continues process, a growth or decay, as long as the process continues from a certain basic start into a fruitful ending. From a simple mind into a clever one is also a life. What life could really be like may depend on how the user was able to use it. It is never necessary if how your life done but it is the matter on how you dwell with it. 

Since life is a cycle, people should also be dynamic in attending the needs of life in order to sustain the necessity of his living.

In addition, life should be the best present God Almighty endowed to us for the reason that life is a fire in every matchstick. It is once in a lifetime opportunity to have witnessed the incomparable beauty of the paradise our creator provided us. He gave us the chance to feel the pains and pleasures of life. Despite the fact that our creator gave us the right and obligation to see his creations, did we ever wonder why we are here, wandering in his nirvana?

And that, people of the world, is our rightful obligation. To sought answers for our questions, to find reasons for every dilemma and purpose for every action. Dramatically, we are obliged to have a certain belief that should provide us a backbone or path that would guide us in the life we wished we could have.

Purpose. We all have purpose in life. What is it and how should it be accomplice is the question. I, myself still could not grasp the proper words or sentence to describe my purpose in life. I could not find the answer in my own questions. And what worse is the knowledge that having no goal in life is like a stone in the middle of the mud asking himself why he’s there?

But as my young mind started to adapt into the complex college life, my vision in the path I am taking started to clear, proving me a clearer sight on how I would keep myself keep the track. On the way of developing myself physically and mentally, my emotional aspect was able to provide itself more vivid reasons for every taken action about my previous experiences. 

Thus, in sixteen years of glorious living in this paradise, I was able to articulate some points where I know my philosophy is being practice. And that philosophy is a sacred idea which I personally considered as my flashlight in the middle of the tunnel.

Throwing me question why I like this life is like asking a child why he wants to eat. It is simple. Asking me my philosophy is quite different story. The nearest answer I could stand is that I want to hold this life not because I need it personally or I love it so much but because my family need it. My family is the reason why I keep struggling in the middle of life’s labyrinth. They are the ones who give me the will to keep finding the exit from the confusing life.

My family are the most important persons in my life they are my life. Everything I do is for them, to cherish them to give them the most comfortable life I could ever give in a living spirit. I could sacrifice myself just for them for without them my life would not be as good as this. My family is my flashlight in the middle of a dark tunnel, I know the light is not so bright but it would be just enough for me to find the exit.

Back to my philosophy, I think what directs me is the will of my family. I move according to their will, I act base on what they said and I behave for what they say is right. I cannot say that is wrong but what I can say is that because of them I was able to set my own goals for myself.

After all, I only believe in just one thing.

All things have their respective reasons. Just like the apple fell from the tree, it has its own reason and I know you know it.

Before I put my signature below, I want to leave a simple message for each and everyone. 

I do not act certain things because I want to have a bountiful harvest in the future instead, I act according to what I think I should act in appropriate manner and let life bring the right consequences. 

It is the life, which gives the people troublesome, stressors and trials, however always remember....

Life is like a dark tunnel and you cannot see anything. But all of us have our own flashlights, Why not try to use your flashlight? Do you have one?

Why being a Nurse

What is your motivation in taking nursing as your course?

Whenever I hear this line, I could not grasp the most accurate passage to ascent as an answer.  I, myself, personally am in dubious why I took this course.

I still commemorate the days when I articulated that I would not take nursing as my course for the reason that people only took the necessity of the profession in order for them to conform to the demand. I was holding that principle for almost half a decade and keeping my word that I would sure end up as a certified public accountant.

Yes, nursing is not on my top priorities. I have that epitome that once you are a nurse; people incline to look at you as their servant, their nanny. Despite the reality that I want accountancy as my course, I could not bear to break the prospects of my mother. Ever since, she desired me to be a nurse in the ground that she’s working outside the country and projecting to stay there for good, she wanted me, as well as my brother and sister, to be with her. And here I am, awaken one day, wearing the college uniform for nursing.

At first, it was very unmanageable to put yourself in the situation where you know you are not suitable in. However, later on, I already adjusted myself to the place where I am in, to the specified situation where I have to dwell with different people, new faces. I already made my circle of friends to whom I realized that I was not the only one who suffered the pain of taking nursing.

Another thorn in my part is the high expectation of everyone around us. Nursing at West Visayas State University, as its name suggests, one of the respectable universities in the country and one of top-performing universities, you can really feel the pressure running to your veins. There is no place for mistakes. You should always give the best, perform the best and please everybody.

But everything changed when I heard this line.

“Nurses are angels with stethoscopes”

Simple but it really caressed my heart. Looking forward, after four years of struggle, I’ll be on the point where I will call myself angel. Is not that marvellous, I am an angel. I’ll be the guard of my patients, I’ll be their crying shoulder, I’ll be the one who will give them the most comfortable situation I could ever give and most of all, I’ll be catering their needs. In that way of perspective, my vision in life drastically changed from a simple planned event into a worthy life.

Now, whenever I encounter the question stated above, I am giving a straight answer, proud, and say, I want to be a nurse because I want to be an angel.