No Pavement to Chase

The days are playing with me, nights are taunting me, and every good experience trigger a bad one with me. What could have been if I'm with this person having this experience, what would we do in the hotel room that we had? Are we going to walk beside Niagara Falls side by side? Holding hands? Should we take a cliche, couple picture together with Niagara Falls as a perfect background? Should we play in movie lands in the same team and collect a lot of tickets, and claim a very big stuffed toy? We could have been this, we could have been that. There are so many questions in my mind, and all of them come to one single end, I regretted all the decisions I made, involving the two of them. 

And the very reason why I'm writing this blog is to express this sadness within me. Don't get me wrong or anything, I'm in no way depressed or problematic. Yes, I regret every decision I made, but it doesn't mean I will stay with in them forever, I'm not that kind of person. I know what I'm suppose to do, and that is move on. Or maybe I'm just being denial.

The funny thing is, everytime I feel the same way, I keep saying to my self that I'm young and I shouldn't chase this fucking pavement, the dirt path of sorrow and loneliness, and I should continue what lies ahead.

However, I also believe  that in order for me to do that, I would have to embrace the whole truth, that I had missed my chance with them, and that there's no way we can be together for now. What lies ahead, and in the future is not my control anymore. I hate everything I did, I really do. 

I didn't chose him, because he's black and he doesn't conform to my definition of beauty. That is so shallow of me, I love everything about him, how our ideologies sync with each other, that day when he played Lady gaga on his car should have been my sign. That indeed he's the one. But what did I do? I denied him that chance. I ended our relationship because he doesn't stand to what I think is handsome. That he's black and I don't want to be a laughing stock back in my country. And I hate it with the core of my being that I did all that things. Those are just proof that I'm not a good person, that it's better if they find someone else rather than settling with me. Me who is pathetic, and can't find my love because I'm too afraid of what ""the society would say, me who wants everyone to be happy, and so now, I'm being alone because I let the good people get away.

Now both of them had moved on, and I'm still on this state, 80% percent moved on. Still not enough. 

And I fear that one day, I will definitely  confirm that I missed a very perfect piece of stone while keeping myself looking for that gem...